The Art of Loving: Love is Not Provoked

The Art of Loving: Love is Not Provoked
1 Corinthians 13:5

INTRODUCTION:
The country music group Alabama has a song titled “5:00 500” in which they compare getting off work and going home to being in a car race. The boss dropped the “green flag” and everyone heads out the door, headed home, and the freeway is packed with everyone trying to get home, all at the same time, as soon as possible.

One man talked about the traffic he faced every day and how he rushed to get home as soon as he could. Red lights, slow drivers, and drivers cutting in front of him - they all drove him crazy. He would be a nervous wreck by the time he got home. His stomach would be in knots, he was frustrated, tired, and angry. He would lose his temper with his wife and kids. It was not a pleasant routine. And largely it was because he allowed the traffic to get him down.

After hearing a sermon on patience, this man decided he would make some changes. He could not control traffic, but he could control how he viewed the traffic. He himself would drive more slowly. He would not push to finish the trip as quickly as possible. He would relax and not be so competitive when another driver went around or cut in front of him.

The first time this man tried his new approach, it actually took him two minutes longer to get home! But the difference in his attitude once he arrived home was the difference between night and day. He was calm, more relaxed, and ready to show love to his wife and kids. His emotions were under control.

Notice - the situation did not change. There were still red lights. There were still rude drivers. There were still slowpokes on the road. But when he decided he would change his mentality, and not get angry, he lost two minutes. That was nothing compared to what he gained in return!

In 1 Corinthians 13:5, the apostle Paul writes that “love is not provoked.” There are many ways we could word this: love does not wear its feelings on the sleeve. Love is not touchy. Loving hearts do not have short fuses. Patience isn’t just a virtue - it’s the best way to live.

In James 1:19-20, the Lord’s brother wrote: “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” The wise man wrote in Proverbs 29:11: “A fool always loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back.”

WHY DO WE BECOME ANGRY?
First, we become angry when we feel like people have disrespected us. You and I have an image of ourselves and we have an image of how we think other people should treat us. When people don’t give us the measure of honor we think we deserve, we get angry. The heart of that problem of course is our ego, conceit. It’s the opposite of humility.

Secondly, we get angry because we feel like our rights have been violated. We human beings have a tendency to think we deserve good health; we deserve growing prosperity; we deserve warm, wonderful relationships. We want to be happy all the time; we never want to be sad, lonely, or frustrated, or disappointed. When we’re denied one of those “rights,” we get angry.

It’s one thing to say that God never promised us a rose garden; it’s another to actually understand that principle in our hearts. We have no such rights; but we have been tremendously blessed and we are quite privileged. In America and in much of the western world, we have a level of security and good health and conveniences that the rest of the world envy. But these things aren’t rights.

Christians in the first century suffered the deprivation of a lot of things - even death by torture because of their faith. Hebrews 11 reminds us of what God’s people have endured in the past. Peter wrote to us: “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation” (1 Peter 4:12-13).

That’s the attitude we should have, but of course that’s easier said than done. The more we grasp the fact that we have blessings and not rights, the less likely we will be to get mad.

Thirdly, we are often “rewarded” because of our anger. We get what we want (unfortunately) because we get angry. People are often intimidated into yielding because someone else “flies off the handle.” Many people yield just to avoid confrontation or conflict.

But what is the price we pay to “win” that way? Hurt feelings. Loss of love. More resistance. Physical harm maybe. We usually hurt our influence for Jesus. That’s what happens when we “win” through anger.

QUESTIONS TO ASK OURSELVES:
First, how often do we become angry? If we love like Jesus loved, we will have our emotions under control and we will get angry less. We will have a more even-temper; we will enjoy life more and others will enjoy being around us more. Others will enjoy talking with us because they know that they don’t have to worry that we’ll fly into a rage simply because we have a different opinion.

Second, what things do we become angry about? Many people get angry over every little thing. Think about the man I talked about at the beginning… Every slow driver makes you angry. Everyone who blocks your ability to change lanes makes you angry. Every red light makes you angry. If you are a passenger with that type of driver, you are a nervous wreck by the time you get to your destination.

If we get angry like Jesus got angry, then we’ll only get angry at the “big things.” Those are things that threaten to harm others, not their rights but their health - physical health and spiritual health. We don’t get angry at life’s inconveniences and irritations - they happen all the time. We get angry rather at hurts of the innocence.

There was a swami (a religious leader) in an Indian village who was known for controlling his anger. People would ask him how he controlled his anger and he told them about a big, old cobra who bit people on their way to the temple. The swami went to visit the cobra. He told the cobra it was wrong to bite people and he persuaded the snake to never do it again. But then, when the people realized that the snake was not going to bite them, they started mistreating the snake. The boys in the village would drag the snake behind them wherever they went, laughing as they did so.

The swami went to visit the snake again to see how the cobra was keeping his promise. The cobra was bruised and bleeding and beaten-up. The swami asked him how this happened. The snake, near tears, blurted out that he’d been abused, ever since he was forced to make that promise. The swami shook his head, “I told you you couldn’t bite. I didn’t say you couldn’t hiss.”

Even among us humans, it is okay to hiss sometimes. Even Jesus got angry. Jesus got angry when His Father’s name and His Father’s truth was dishonored. We read in Mark 11:15-17: “Then they came to Jerusalem. And He entered the temple and began to drive out those who were buying and selling in the temple, and overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who were selling doves; and He would not permit anyone to carry merchandise through the temple. And He began to teach and say to them, “Is it not written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer for all the nations’? But you have made it a robbers’ den.”

The third question to ask yourself is: how long do you stay angry? Many people, once they become angry, find it hard to get their emotions back under control. The wise man said, “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, So abandon the quarrel before it breaks out” (Prov. 17:14). Do you remember when the Edenville Dam broke in Midland a couple years ago? It was in May of 2020. A 500-page report was released in May of this year and, to no one’s surprise, the dam break was preventable. There was no single person or group of people responsible for the dam’s weakness but it was the result of decades of neglect by many people. Ten thousand people had to be evacuated; thousands of homes and businesses were damaged at an estimated cost of $250 million. Solomon said that getting angry is like having a crack in a dam. Once you let the flow of anger start, it’s hard to get it stopped.

You simply can’t say everything that goes through your mind and still have a healthy relationship with other people.

Again, listen to the wisdom of God: “The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things” (Prov. 15:28). Wise and righteous people think about what they’re going to say and how others will receive it and be affected by it before they say it.

The fact of the matter is that anger gives birth to more anger. It’s like blowing hot air into a ballon - the more you blow, the bigger the ballon gets until it pops.

Loving hearts - hearts that love like Jesus loves - are slow to become angry but quick to let go of it. Loving hearts do not hold grudges. Loving hearts do not meditate on how to get even with someone. Loving hearts don’t make mountains of resentments out of the mole hills of life’s little frustrations.

Loving hearts apply the wisdom of Paul’s words in Ephesians 4:26-27 - “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.”

Paul is saying that if we embrace anger and make it our friend, then we have opened the door for Satan to walk into our hearts with all of his evil and wickedness. At the end of that same chapter, Paul encourages Christians: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice” (Eph. 4:31).

ANGER HURTS US:
Anger can affect the way we think. We can stew in our anger to the point that we just start fuming and venting and spewing not realizing all the damage we are doing with the relationships we have with people around us.

Anger, then, lessens the respect people have for us. If anger is a habitual response we give to others when things don’t go our way, we will lose their respect. Our relations devolve into something that is only tolerable; they’re not deep, healthy relationships anymore.

Habitual anger also has a way of keeping us sick a lot. Anger affects us physically, mentally, and spiritually. It can wear us out if we live that way for a long period of time. Anger is a relationship killer.

Plus, inappropriate anger - anger that God would say is inappropriate - is also sinful. That should really scare us. Anger can cut us off from God. When we nurse a grudge, we are not forgiving as God commands us to do, which means we are committing two sins: the sin of anger and the sin of unforgiving.

Angry people are a headache to themselves and a heartache to others.

HOW CAN WE CONTROL OUR ANGER?
First, as with any problem, we need to admit we have a problem. We need to admit that we get angry too easily and that we are sinning against God when we do so. Everyone else around us knows we have short-fuses; we need to admit it to ourselves.

Second, when we feel our bodies reacting in anger, we need to stop the thought processes that allows the anger to go further. Our bodes start reacting - like our heart rate - and we know that it is happening. That’s when we need to stop ourselves, to stop our sinful self-centered thinking and redirect our thinking to something more productive. We need to get our emotions under control before we share our thoughts.

The easiest way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.

Third, we can force ourselves to smile. You can hardly be angry and smile at the same time.

Fourth, change what you are doing at that very moment. Get away from whatever it is that is making you angry at that moment. Come back later if you need to, when your emotions have calmed down. Even when you are disciplining your children, it is better to wait and not do things when you are consumed by anger.

Fifth, look at yourself and your response the way others saw you. What upset you? What right did you feel was violated? Who was involved? If we do this on a regular basis, we might see a pattern which will help us to avoid angry situations in the future.

Sixth, we probably need to change our belief system if we get angry on a regular basis. We need to stop believing that anger is a good way to react. If you think that getting angry is a good way to get your way, you need to some being selfish and self-centered. And it’s not just children who pout. Pouting is a very immature way to manipulate other people into doing what you want them to do. Anger, pouting, just alienates friends; it does not strengthen friends. That’s why it is important to understand that it is our belief system that makes us angry. We can’t control other people but we can always control how we respond to other people.

Seventh, we need to live one day at a time. That’s why Paul wrote in Ephesians 4 not to let the sun go down on your wrath. Make it a practice not to carry grudges to bed with you, not to carry anger and hard feelings toward others to bed with you. If we do, we might be adding yet another sin to the list of sins anger causes us to commit.

Once again, the wise man wrote: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1). Let’s give one another one of the greatest gifts we can give: patience - to our families, our coworkers, our neighbors, but especially to our church family. It’s the loving thing to do. If we can’t get along together here on earth, we won’t be in heaven together. We might, however, be in hell together.

Take home message: Get over your anger quickly before it causes you to miss heaven.

Start an evangelism conversation: “In your opinion, how does one become a Christian?”