Raise them Right: Biblical Wisdom for Modern Parenting – Character First

Raise them Right - Biblical Wisdom for Modern Parenting:
“Character First”
Deuteronomy 6:6-7

INTRODUCTION:
Deut 6:6-7 - “These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. “You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.”

God’s first desire in raising children is for parents to teach them how to develop character. First, we parents need to live our lives with character, following God’s instructions as closely as possible. We all know that children will pick up more from what we do in front of them than from what we say to them.

What Deut 6 is telling us is that we need to take every opportunity we can to talk to our children about the differences between right and wrong and guide them toward doing what is right according to the commandments, directions, and instructions God has given us. We can take those opportunities all the time. When the girls were little, we would watch Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman starring Jane Seymour. As with most shows, this one teaches situation ethics. But frequently, I would pause the show and talk to the girls about a better way the TV character could have and should have handled the situation rather than doing something that God says was wrong. We did a similar thing in more recent years with West Wing with Ana, who was taking a civics class at the time.

WE ARE IN CONTROL OF OUR THINKING:
Discipline is accomplished primarily through proper instruction, by instilling proper habits of thinking into our children. We are in control of our thinking:

Matthew 5:27-28
2 Corinthians 10:5 - We need to practice this ourselves and we need to teach our children to do the same thing. Discipline primarily means teaching our children how to keep control of their thoughts and bring their thoughts, from which flows behavior, unto obedience to Jesus Christ.

Jewell stealing ping pong balls…

Many parents complain about children contradicting just about everything the parent says. Certainly, this is rebellion. It is the child asserting that he is his own authority and his authority is final. If he wants to say the sky is purple, then as far as he is concerned, the sky is purple, even when it is blue. The core of all misbehavior, even with you and me as adults, is that we think we have the final authority. But we do not. You and I do not and children do not.

Ayn Rand - “I need no warrant for being and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction.” That is absolutely false. The Bible teaches that we are either a slave of Christ or a slave of Satan; we do not, ultimately, serve ourselves.

WHAT TYPE OF DISCIPLINE SHOULD WE USE?
What type of discipline should we use for children who want to argue with everything? My dad would pop us kids in the mouth. I have used that some, but not nearly as frequently as my dad did. If you can’t - and this goes for spanking as well - if you can’t inflict physical punishment without drawing blood, don’t do it. Physical punishment, wether popping the child in the mouth for having a smart mouth or spanking, should never: draw blood, cause welts, bruises, or any other physical damage that lasts a day or two. It should only be painful enough to discourage the misbehavior, not painful enough to cause physical damage.

“Time out” can be effective. It is a form of isolation. After five minutes in the “time out” chair, go back to the child and ask, “What color is the sky?” If the child continues to be rebellious, tell him, “Call me when you’re willing to admit what color it is.”

If the child is old enough to write, just like we did in school - give them paper and pencil and tell them that they can get up from the table when they have written: “The sky is blue,” 100 times. I had to write this poem frequently when I was in junior high school: A wise old owl sat in an oak. The more he heard, the less he spoke. The less he spoke, the more he heard. Why can’t I be like that wise old bird? The purpose, of course, was to teach me to listen more than talk. Maybe it helped some! Schools use to do things like that as a matter of punishment, and to teach, to discipline. We can use the same approach at home.

I think parents lose some of their moral authority when they get into arguments over things like this. There simply is no argument. The child is simply being rebellious. Calmly enforce your authority and stick with it.

We also have to discipline emotional expressions. I have told about not letting Jewell and Ana go bowling because they allowed their emotions to get out of control. Whether you agree or disagree with how I handled that, Rachel and I didn’t have any further problems with them on that issue. Even a three-year-old can control his or her emotions, at least the impulsive reaction that is inappropriate. I’m not talking about crying over the death of a pet or something like that.

Proverbs 25:28 - The lower our expectations concerning children, the more we tolerate behavior that should not be tolerated, and the more undisciplined our children become.

For many, many years, parents need to be the #1 influence in their children’s lives, even through the teenage years. To keep that influence through the teenage years, you have to:

Love children unconditionally and respect their individuality.
Listen to them and communicate openly with them.
Model Christianity honestly in front of them at all times. Give Christ-like advice.
As they show themselves responsible, give them more freedoms.
Don’t push the children away, even late at night, when they need to talk.

Make a list of the influences in your kids’ lives - TV, music, Internet, movies, after school activities, coaches, video games, books, school, teachers, peers, etc.
Rank those influences based on how much time a week your children spends under those influences.
If you and your spouse aren’t near the top of that list, make a list of things you need to change so that you will move up the list.
Write on this second list the exact date you intend to implement changes so that you will be the stronger influence in your child’s life.

As far as character is concerned, we need to teach our children humility because humility governs self-confidence. Without humility, self-confidence can be dangerous.

IDENTIFY CHARACTER QUALITIES:
Take a piece of paper and make a list of your child’s offenses or the problems you’ve seen in your child. This is to gain some perspective in your discipline. Look for behaviors, causes, common areas - you are gathering data and making observations.

Group the problems by character issues. Look for common threads that indicate a bigger heart issue, like a lack of perseverance or determination or a lack of compassion.

This will give you some perspective. Rather than working on 10 different negative behaviors, you can focus on 3-4 underlying issues. Then, you can start seeing offenses in your child’s life as opportunities for growth.

When you correct, pay attention to the words you use - are you focusing on the problem or the solution? You can also focus on the positive trait you are trying to develop in your child’s heart, like:

Obedience
Respect for others
Perseverance
Attentiveness
Patience
Self-control
Thankfulness

Share statements of admiration for your children when they exhibit good qualities, Christ-like qualities.

FIRMNESS
This is an important parenting strategy. One of the things that makes firmness work is clarifying expectations. Write down expectations. Post them on the wall. Ask your child to repeat what you have said. It reinforces what you are expecting. We all make the mistake of thinking that the other person knows what is going on in our own heads. Clarify things with your child.

You can even move into close proximity to emphasize your firmness, without getting angry or yelling. Close proximity increases the child’s feeling of discomfort and it communicates firmness. “You need to turn off the video game now and come help me in the kitchen.”

When you give a child a task to do, don’t just tell them and then walk away expecting it to be done. Your firm presence and patient waiting increases the feeling of anticipation and nudges the child to obey.

Sometimes you have to point out what went wrong and tell the child to try again: “Jewell, we’re working on kindness and what you just did to Ana missed the mark. I want you to try that again. Show her some kindness.”

The home is a place where children learn and grow. If kids don’t develop self-control, cooperation, respect, and integrity at home, they’ll have a much more difficult time out in the world. In fact, we can teach our children Christian virtues at home much easier than the world will teach it to them.

Romans 5:3-4. Growth often occurs under pressure. Suffering. Perseverance. Character. Hope. When parents increase the pressure (suffering) and give kids a plan (perseverance), then growth (character) is the by-product, and a positive view of the future (hope) is the result.

Again, focus on the character quality you’re trying to develop. If your son resists instructions, then you’re working on cooperation. If your daughter is mean to her brother, then she needs to practice kindness. If a child lies, then integrity is the goal. Keep your eyes on the positive character needed to move forward - begin with the end in mind.

Take home message: We can teach our children Christian virtues at home much easier than the world will teach it to them.

Start an evangelism conversation: “If you could be sure there is a God, would you want to know Him? Would you want to walk with Him?”